Life Beyond the Dream

Intended to be read after American Dream

In May 2026 on the Full Moon in Scorpio, I took my sassy scorpio, Marley Joy, to Las Vegas to meet my family. Yes, I realize this is a strange place for a family trip, as evidenced by the lack of kids on the airplane to Vegas. But Marley understood the assignment and “joy” is her middle name, so we all had a blast! Vegas has also been a significant part of my past, among other family trips, the last one while I was pregnant and Ryan was there. Nate and I used to go to Interbike every year and I even won a cyclocross race there in 2015! Memories :)
This time, my brother, sister-in-law, and I scored tickets to see Phish at the Sphere on closing night of a nine-night run. I knew Ryan would send some solid signs, as Phish was one of his favorite bands and he introduced me to their music. We saw Phish live together seven times, and he used to chase them with his brother, Colin, in high school. I remember him telling me that at an Alpine Valley run, Colin was very sick with cancer. When they played “Wading in the Velvet Sea,” Ryan had an inner knowing that Colin would not recover. A few months later, Colin died.

Ryan stopped following Phish around the time the band broke up, even though they got back together, because memories of Colin cut too deep. But nearly 20 years later, some friends talked him into going to Alpine Valley with them. I was pregnant with Marley, but supported Ryan having a pre-baby adventure. Upon his return, Ryan excitedly shared his renewed love for the band, who were playing their best after 40 years of performing. There’s much to learn and to love about a band with such an extensive catalog of unique, sometimes obscure music. It is also impressive when a band can play nine nights without repeating any songs, which was their goal for the Sphere. 

Over the years, many Phish songs have become special to us, including Ghost, Wolfman’s Brother, Boogie on Reggae Woman, Set Your Soul Free, Fluffhead, Timber, Joy, Back on the Train, Esther and Cities, most of which had already been played. I had already seen Wolfman’s performed live four times since Ryan died, including at the Rock n’ Roll Playhouse on Marley’s birthday (11/11) and also on Ryan’s birthday (12/13), by the Jerry Garcia Band. Since JGB mostly plays Grateful Dead and Jerry covers, it was a bright sign deep in the night at 11:11 p.m. when they broke out with Wolfman’s Brother to close the show! Unexpected but not surprising, since we were with friends who feel like pham, celebrating Wolf.

I realized heading into the final night at the Sphere that Phish still hadn’t played my favorite song, Ether Edge. I saw Trey Band debut Ether Edge in 2014 and have seen it performed live three times since. It is the soundtrack to my soul and the song that made me fall in love with Phish as I realized the depth of creativity in their repertoire. 

Ether Edge is an upbeat tune I can’t help but dance spastically to, “So she dances alone in the summer rain and her golden hair glows, just sounds remain. Leaves the shadows behind in the depth of her mind and lets go of the fear and pain.” “Moving water show us the way and the moon begins to rise…and through the air she flies to the ether edge, to the other side.” “It all rolls away, it all rolls away.”

We had a birds-eye view from the tip top of the Sphere, which made the imaging for this song feel like we were vicariously perched upon the nest overlooking an expansive mountainous landscape. Ryan, Marley, and I were the “3 Little Birds” in reference to Marley’s namesake, Bob Marley’s song. “Don’t worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright.” Now in the nest, there were two baby birds who stood up to spread their wings wide, teetering on the edge while the whole crowd cheered for them! They jumped while we all held our breath as we watched them soar. It was as though Ryan was giving encouragement to Marley and me as we begin to take flight in this new life, a rebirth with the remembrance leading into the year anniversary, May 9th—the day after Nate’s birthday (May 8th), and the day before Mother's Day. Tender times and also inspiration shining bright.

A week after this show at the Sphere we hosted a celebration for Ryan at our Denver home, the Yates Train and planted a tree in his honor. As we blessed the tree at the celebration, a ladybug flew onto it. It was clear that Ryan’s spirit was with us, filled with love. We are meant to “Rise Above It” from the literal ashes, like the phoenix that was tattooed on Ryan’s quad. No doubt why phoenixes have also been a consistent sign for me this year as well! We reflected on how far we had come in a year and how we feel more. like the baby birds taking flight rather than pummeled by the past. What had once been a trauma-filled crime scene the year before, now burst bright with family and friends, love and light.

Admittedly, we have felt like we were “Wading through the Velvet Sea” of grief over the past year. Phish also included this song in the encore for the evening, along with “Fluffhead,” our song for Marley. The ripples from Ryan’s shocking, tragic death have trickled through every echo of our existence as we learn to live without him, as we process our grief. Now a year later, we miss him more than before as we begin to dream again without him. At the Sphere, Phish also played, ”A Life Beyond the Dream,” which has also been a consistent musical message from my cosmic DJ since last summer. The message was loud and clear, and I was drawn to the mystical images as they played…

“When we were talking, I didn’t need to hide. 

Black stallions through the night, on a perfect ride. 

I watched you open wide, You looked into me.

I had to turn away, I didn’t want to leave.”

Now I’m letting it all roll by, 

I can see, I can see

A life beyond a dream.

I’m watching it all roll by, 

I can see, I can see,

A life beyond a dream.

Don’t give up hope, Don’t give up hope,

Keep dreaming, Keep on dreaming. 

Don’t give up hope, Don’t give up hope.

We share these moments, Till they melt away

To foggy memories, of a distant day,

A curtain is blowing, in an open door,

Two souls can breathe as one, I wanted more.” 

We wanted more, and still do, so we are grateful for these strong signs from Papa Wolf that make him feel close. The resounding message was that although we have been through deep grief, and it’s time to jump, trust our wings to fly again with an expansive birds-eye view. Our OG version of the American Dream was lost but love is not. Trust the doors opening and beckoning breeze, “Don’t give up hope, don’t give up hope. Keep dreaming, keep on dreaming….I can see a life beyond a dream,” our new dreams with Ryan close by, guiding and protecting us from the spiritual realm. 

This year, receiving the gift of Ether Edge on the 9th night of Phish’s Vegas Sphere residency marked evolution of spirit—death to rebirth. The celebration symbolized the transition of darkness to light. We are slowly discovering “A Life Beyond the Dream.” Admittedly, I have pondered whether to sell our house. But we made the decision to stay in the home we so carefully crafted together for now. Heading into year two, we feel a sense of rebirth symbolized by a tree I planted for Ryan in the front corner of our yard. I know our Ryan tree will grow strong, protecting our corner. 

Our dream is constantly evolving, and I think often of moving back to my roots in Eagle. I would love for Marley to attend the school I used to teach at and embrace the small-town, mountain lifestyle. But for now, we are happy in Denver and have a newfound love for our hOMe. Marley is blossoming at her school, where a hummingbird is painted on the wall of a building guards the entrance. Hummingbirds have been a sign from Ryan, which is not surprising. He would come as such a unique, quick-moving, spiritual bird.

We are also grateful to our village, near and far. The support and love through this tumultuous time provided a safety net that has gifted us the ability to take our time grieving and sorting through the shambles of cleaning up our beloved’s life. It allowed us to remain in our safe place while the storm rippled around us. It is through our village that we honor Ryan today and preserve his memory beyond the “Ether Edge.” One of Ryan’s favorite sayings that we use often is “Teamwork makes the dream work.” Marley, Shanti and I are a strong team, and we will “keep on dreaming.”