American Dream

What is the American Dream? 

Ten years before he died, Ryan was randomly asked this question by his buddy, Woody. Ryan’s poignant answer was caught on video.  With a cunning look, he replied, “Get rich quick, marry a hot blonde, and die young.”

Rich is relative, and Ryan was always quick to recognize the abundance that came from working hard throughout life. Based on our wedding photos taken by Woody and his wife, Mack, they kindly reminded me I’m a hot blonde but mama life makes me feel more like a scraggly white flamingo who lost her pink sometimes ;)

Shortly after we began dating in 2018, our quest for the American Dream began with the addition of a Rhodesian Ridgeback, Shanti. We eloped to [Crested Butte] on 8/8/2019 and started the IVF process a few months later. Through Donor Conception, I conceived Marley Joy when I was 42, and on 11/11/22, she was born into this wild world. On our parallel path to parenthood, we launched a massive home renovation of our 1905 Denver abode that Ryan bought in 2011. Only two other families had resided there over the past 125 years, and Ryan believed it would be in our family forever. So by 2025, we had it all—our American Dream—until it fell apart.

Ryan and I met in 2018—three years after my first husband, Nate, died from cancer. Ryan was so different than Nate and compassionately honored this important part of my past. Ryan also lost his brother, Colin, to cancer when he was 26. Colin’s death inspired Ryan to launch a nonprofit for adolescents and young adults with cancer called “Rise Above It” before he started working for First Descents, which also serves the AYA cancer space. I admired Ryan’s dedication to the cause and was magnetically drawn to his brooding, rock-star, ex-football player vibes. He was called “Wolf” in the First Descents community and “Papa Wolf” in our family because he led with fierce, gentle power and was devoted to his pack.

Wolf was known as a hard worker who excelled at everything he did, whether it was wrestling, football, academics, building his own nonprofit, or leading First Descents as CEO for a decade. Before we met, he played college football at Georgetown University, where he was Captain and All-American. Ryan grew up playing tackle football and wrestling from the time he was nine years old and had a wall full of awards and accolades to prove his dominance in sports.

2025 opened with hope and optimism and our commitment to continue building our American Dream. I wrote a New Year’s LOV note to Ryan, expressing gratitude and excitement for our future as we planned for baby number two. His response was adding Bob Marley’s song, “Positive Vibration,” to my playlist.

About two weeks later, I was sipping coffee and looked out the window to see a man lying dead in the alley across the street. Sirens filled the air, and the alley quickly transformed into a crime scene. The owner of the house, Miles, patrolled the corner, clearly drunk and belligerently yelling nonsensical threats. His partner was dead, and Miles was a suspect.

I had walked through death with Nate already, but this experience of a neighbor unexpectedly dying directly in front of me hit differently. I felt unsettled. Where were the positive vibrations? The tides had quickly turned in the new year. Ryan was now experiencing insomnia and suffering from a seemingly sudden onset of cognitive confusion and mental illness. This emergent episode felt all too close to home. 

Ryan was usually optimistic and full of joy. He was also a bundle of stress and extremely driven. He struggled to pump the brakes, but was usually open to trying yoga and mindfulness practices, which weren’t helping. Ryan had also been caring for his mom with dementia for over a decade, and she was now being moved to skilled nursing. Waves of grief were combined with wondering whether he could also be experiencing early-onset dementia. The past few years had been stressful, becoming parents while renovating our home, combined with growing stress at work, so it wasn’t surprising that this could be a midlife mental health crisis. 

A dark cloud enveloped us. Not even two weeks after the death of our neighbor, we heard sirens approaching again. Swirling bright, red lights flashed in the dark night, flooding the alleyway behind Miles’ house again. This time, Miles had taken his own life. What demons were lurking on our corner? 

Like the plague, the demons swooped into our house, taking a firm grasp on Ryan. His mental health continued to decline despite desperate attempts at different programs and various doctor visits. After struggling to perform basic aspects of his job, let alone to lead his team at First Descents, Ryan took leave from his work. Something seemed broken in his body, mind, and soul.

Meanwhile, I was quickly shifting my focus from stay-at-home mumming and IVF to going back to work. I rented out our basement apartment while pouring into our daughter, who was feeling her Papa withdraw more and more each day. My sadhana, or yoga and spiritual practice, became my lifeline, a shining light in the dark: stay connected to the present and self; feel the feels; and move through the bullshit with the intention of “rising above it” moment by moment. My mission was to stay plugged into my faith in God/source/spirit while being whisked into the eye of the storm.

We kept thinking that the light was just around the corner, but as winter turned to spring, Ryan slid even further from us. Psychosis and chemical imbalance from prescription meds prevented progress. His world grew so small. He had a big meeting on the horizon to create a plan to get back to work, but he didn’t feel able to do so.  

The meeting was scheduled for a Monday. The Friday before, I was at work when I received panicked phone calls from my two Andrew friends. Ryan had taken his life in the garage of our home. It was May 9, 2025—the Friday before Mother’s Day. His timing may seem insensitive, but I now realize why he needed a way out. 

I can see how a multitude of factors impacted Ryan’s inability to regulate, leading to a mental breakdown. Still, something seemed incomplete with his story. Ryan’s early symptoms of insomnia, depression, and anxiety, chronic pain, vision and memory impairments, plus a past of many TBIs and concussions, led me to donate his brain to science at Boston University’s CTE department.

Digging Deeper…

As mentioned, Ryan started playing tackle football at nine years old and continued to play through college. One indicator of CTE is playing tackle football for more than 12 years, especially while the brain is still developing. Thank goodness they don’t allow children to play tackle football anymore but in Ryan’s football era, this was not known. Ryan played defensive safety and was fierce on the field. Over those years, he suffered multiple concussions not only from playing football but also through wrestling, skiing, and getting into bar fights (according to his college football coach, he had the winningest fight record). Turns out that his fierce athletic prowess came at a steep cost.

In April 2026, we received the results from the 10-month brain study. The clinical team interviewed family members, conducted surveys and questionnaires, and considered all lifestyle indicators. The other team performed brain pathology, scoping it for microscopic signs of the Tau protein. The pathologists found the Tau protein in multiple lobes and both hemispheres of Ryan’s brain. 

It was determined that Ryan had early stage 3 Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, which was affecting his memory, cognition, and mood. CTE is an irreversible neurodegenerative disease that progressively deteriorates the brain. The final Stage 4 includes advanced dementia, plus many behavioral, speech, and motor issues, requiring full-time care. There are growing cases of athletes with CTE committing suicide because they cannot understand why they are losing a sense of self, cognition, and autonomy. 

We brought up the possibility of CTE with multiple doctors, including a neurologist, but they all shrugged it off, saying he was just depressed. Our medical care was uninspired, with the only solution given being various cocktails of prescription meds that led to a chemical imbalance, on top of the imbalances caused by CTE. Ryan knew he was “too sick to recover,” as he stated in his farewell letter. Wolf, Papa Wolf, was our rock. At the time he saw himself as the “Wounded Wolf” and iy was clear he left us to protect us. Learning about the CTE diagnosis confirmed what I intuitively believed, bringing more compassion, understanding, sympathy, and overall love for Ryan and all he was going through. 

It may sound woo-woo to say that, immediately upon Ryan’s death, I felt the demonic vibes lift. Even in the throes of destruction, the energy felt lighter in and around the house. Did Ryan take the demons down “Stranger Things” style? He reflected such protector Papa Wolf bravado. He would do anything for the people he loved, including keeping the pain he felt from them.

The experience around Ryan’s death is all too similar to my story with Nate. We also built a beautiful life and multiple businesses together for 17 years, when it all exploded with his cancer diagnosis and death. Thankfully, this time around, I have the experience of raw grieving and resilience combined with grief therapy experience and education. We are here to grow through what we go through in life. Overall, I have peace around Ryan’s devastating and dramatic exit from our American Dream, but, wow, it has been a wild ride!

Learning that Ryan suffered from moderate CTE has brought some solace. Personally, I can see signs of this over the past few years. Despite his struggles, he was a fun and very present partner, father, and friend. Underneath Ryan’s tough player bravado was a sensitive heart filled with music theory and history. The ending of his life became the beginning of an ongoing spiritual connection through musical messages for me. Signs are part of my life pulse. They make me feel alive, connected deeply to spirit and intuition. I sense Ryan still lives on amongst us. We feel him every day, like he is hanging out within and protecting our home. We laugh with his wit and sense the evolution of his soul in the spirit realm. I feel his support, inspiration, levity, love—with heaviness of heart. I feel a sense of rebirth and renewal. 

Musical Messages: Oh Baby and American Dream

Over the past year, Ryan consistently communicated with me through music. His musical messages have been life-giving, keeping me chasing the joys found in experiencing live music. Feeling his presence and receiving undeniable, profound messages from the spirit realm has gifted abundant guidance, reasoning, and hope. 

Not long after we started dating, Ryan made a playlist for me called “Sprinkles World.” Sprinkles was his First Descent’s nickname for me. The first of 420 songs on the playlist was LCD Soundsystem’s “oh baby.” From the beginning of our relationship, music was our love language, and this song was the gateway into the wonderland he created for our LOV Story.

 In August, two months after Ryan died, my bestie Joy and I flew to Detroit for an LCD Soundsystem show. We had 48 hours in this rad city sprinkled with signs, not only from Ryan but also from Nate. We packed the day with walking, taking in the murals, and shopping…even stumbling across Flamingo vintage where I felt like I was “getting some pink” back again.

Motherhood in general and especially adjusting to single mom life while navigating the infamous perimenopausal era with a toddler has been exhausting to say the least! So I set aside the struggle and embraced acceptance as we released a vial of Ryan’s ashes—the first since he passed—into the Detroit River, where we couldn’t help skinny dipping for an extra rush!

Like all endearing live music nerds, Joy likes being up front for LCD shows, so we arrived two hours before doors opened at the Masonic Temple to beat the GA crowd. We staked out our show family, and at 5:55 p.m., one of those new friends appreciated the sparkles on my disco-ball dress and glasses and gifted me a bracelet that said “american dream,” the album with the “oh baby” track. Joy knows her LCD SS stats and cautioned me that it wasn’t likely we would hear it live that night, so the bracelet felt like Ryan saying, “Hi, I’m here.” Ryan knew that I experienced many signs since Nate’s passing and I communicated frequently with the spirit world so it’s not surprising that he would reach out to me through our favorite couples therapy which was seeing live music together!

Standing in line made me hungry, and we had a night of dancing ahead of us, so I beelined to get a Detroit-style pizza. As I walked through the door, the speakers welcomed me with a familiar “ba-bom, ba-bum, bum”: the intro to “oh baby.” Life in that moment felt like a movie as I walked in slow motion to this perfect theme song. Chills rippled through my body, and I smiled. Ryan chose that solo moment for me, for a sweet, divine connection. We didn’t hear “oh baby” at the show that night, so this cosmic DJ moment at the pizza place felt super special. Of course I took a video, trying not to look like a weirdo!

The saga continues…One Sunday in March 2026, I was at dinner with some friends who grew up with Ryan in Cleveland. I felt a nudge of Ryan’s spirit to tell the American Dream story, sharing the old video with them. One of these friends, Kelly, said she was heading to Chicago to see LCD the following weekend. The wheels started turning. I knew better than to travel while Mercury was retrograde, but my intuition pointed me to Chicago. Instantly I was able to find help with Marley from her beloved teacher, Ms. Nancy. This Is Happening! It was time to Dance Yrself Clean. 

When my plane landed in Chicago, I had 20 minutes to glitterfly, slipping into my disco-ball vest and silver metal fishnet pants. There was time to crimp a few pieces of my hair, so I looked a little more punk rock (plus, I had to compete with Joy’s fully crimped fro). Joy sported a neon pink jumpsuit, her bling fanny pack, and bejeweled sunglasses. We are always quite a sight together at these shows, where most people wear black t-shirts. Almost famous for a second, a few people even remembered us from the Detroit show ;)

Once inside the Aragon, “All My Friends” were there, and magic was in the air. LCD was on a four-night run in Chicago and would only play “oh baby” once, if at all. But then at 9:19 p.m. (9/19 is my birthday!), the lights dimmed as the band came on stage. The crowd silenced as the celestial “ba-bom, ba-bum, bum” introduced “oh baby.” This Is Happening!
I didn’t know it at the time, but this song that Ryan gifted me seven years ago set the tone for our playlist and relationship. Hearing it live filled my entire being, healing my soul, offering a lifeline to the spirit realm. Music is light, a through-line twinkling bright hope and love. Ryan was truly “Someone Great,” which LCD also played that night. It is a song about losing someone great to suicide. As synchronistic as it seems, this is one of the many profound musical messages Ryan has sent me since his death. 

The next morning, before our flight, we headed to the Lake Michigan shoreline. I released Ryan’s ashes for the second time. Detroit brought light to my life in the dark days, and there we were, bringing light to Chicago’s bleak cold. How the tides have turned!

It was a rebirth for me. A new birthday. The “End of Beginning” in Chicago, with the beginning of possibilities, grief in tow, rather than being tossed about by the waves of losing the American Dream. For me, the dream is what we choose to make it. Leaving behind and intentionally taking paths forward, paths revealed by time. I have officially begun. 

“I wish that we could talk about it, but then,

that’s the problem.”

I wake up and the phone is ringing,

Surprised, as it's early.

And that should be the perfect warning,

That something's a problem.

To tell the truth I saw it coming,

The way you were breathing.

But nothing can prepare you for it,

The voice on the other end…when someone great is gone.

We are safe, for the moment…we are safe for the moment.” 

Someone Great - LCD Soundsystem 

Continue Reading: Life Beyond the Dream

Written by: Tara O’Donoghue

Edited by: Joy Martin

Albums Referenced: American Dream, This is Happening

Songs Referenced: Oh Baby, All My Friends, Someone Great, Dance Yrself Clean